A whip cream pie in the face is one of the oldest gags in modern American comedy. There’s so much bad news these days, we need a good laugh. A deadly pandemic is sweeping the globe. Over 690,000 are dead, and millions are infected. The economy as tanking. Tens of millions of Americans are out of work. Countless small businesses are going out of business, perhaps never to return. Millions of renters stand days away from being evicted. A wildfire is ravaging parts of the West Coast. Our political leaders are completely incoherent in response to all these and other crises.
It all seems so unreal. Whether laughing or not, millions of self-quarantined Americans are finding ways to do something around the house, if only to keep themselves sane. They are fixing stuff that hasn’t been fixed in years (there’s always something!). They are painting, fixing leaky faucets, and trying to upgrade their computer bundles with Firesticks and Roku so they can watch old or new movies. And, how’s this for a laugh? Young people are throwing coronavirus house parties to prove the pandemic is a hoax. At least one of the partiers died a week or so ago. His last words were, “it’s not a hoax.”
Me? I’m staying close to home. I only go out when I have to and, when I do, I wear a mask like other folk, do the social distancing thing, wash my hands 90 times a day, read, write, watch too much news, and do other things to keep myself busy. Lately, I’ve been thinking of baking something. I used to be a pretty good cook before my wife banned me from her kitchen. But, some morning about 2 a.m., while she’s sleeping I’m going to sneak in there and bake one of my favorite dishes – chess pie. Now, most people who live north of the Mason-Dixon line have never heard of this type of pie. In fact, if I went to any restaurant within 500 miles of here and asked for a slice of it, the waiter or waitress would give me a puzzled look, and slowly back away.
(As an aside, I find that many young people today can’t cook at all. From life experience, it’s good to know you can cook rice, beans, make a salad, or other stuff that might help keep you alive and well when times get hard, as it has for so many Americans who, because of the pandemic and the economy, are having trouble getting enough to eat.)
Chess pie is a Southern dessert. The funny thing about it is that I have never been able to bake one that came out right. The ingredients are simple: eggs, sugar, corn meal, buttermilk, pure vanilla and/or lemon flavoring, and a pie crust. You might, I think, sprinkle a little brown sugar over it to give it a nice golden brown look after it has baked. You let it cool for 30-45 minutes, and what you have is one of the most delicious, sweet, tangy pies in the world.
My late, late grandmother could bake one of these pies with one hand. She’d be doing nine other things while making it, but the chess pie always came out perfect. Mine always comes out “GLOOP.” Anyway, luckily, Grandma always made two: one for me and the other for the rest of the family. I would eat pie until I was sick, then go back and eat some more.
I could never make a chess pie like Grandma’s, though. I guess she had some kind of secret. Anyway, I’m going to try it again, and soon. I’m going to get one of those online “Just-Like-Grandma-Used-To-Make” recipes and carefully follow every instruction: ingredients, proportions, mixing, and, in short, every period and comma in it. That’s what you have to do with any recipe.
The result should be a super-delicious chess pie, all sweet and golden brown, and the perfect consistency. I just know it’s going to be perfection. After it has cooled, I’ll get a fork, sit at the dining room table, eat like I did when I was a boy, and try not to get pie in my eye.
Have a nice day.
The Link LonkAugust 07, 2020 at 11:00AM
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Primus Mootry: Here's a chess pie in your eye - Kokomo Tribune
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